Tzarich Iyun > “Seder Iyun”: Deliberations > Still Buying Apartments? Private and Public Change Begin at Home

Still Buying Apartments? Private and Public Change Begin at Home

Initiatives to cut wedding expenses are helpful, but the real financial outrage surrounding ‎marrying off children is purchasing their apartment. So long as this norm does not ‎change, there is little chance of improving financial conduct, whether personally or communally. And change depends on us.

Kislev 5783 / December 2022

The Covid-19 period helped many realize that weddings don’t need to be quite as lavish as they used to be. It raised a vigorous discussion of the costs associated with weddings in the Charedi sector, and several articles were published on this platform [Hebrew], calling for responsible fiscal conduct and offering a healthy approach to financial commitments. Several charities even initiated a “Weddings of the Century” project offering concrete, practical steps to reduce wedding expenses.

The real challenge of a child’s marriage in the Yeshiva world relates to purchasing an apartment

These initiatives, of course, are all welcome and commendable. However, while the preoccupation with excessive wedding expenses addresses a distinct issue, it fails to touch the crux of the financial hardship involved in marrying children—a hardship specific (though not exclusive) to the Israeli Charedi sector. The real challenge of a child’s marriage in the Yeshiva world relates to purchasing an apartment. Talking about the costs of the wedding itself—the hall, the flowers, the band, and so on—while ignoring the issue of buying an apartment is akin to a blind man who feels an elephant’s tail and sees it only as a thin rope. Proposals to cut wedding expenses alone are like trying to reduce the elephant’s weight by cutting off its tail.

In the present article, I want to discuss the elephant in the room: buying an apartment for our happy, young, Charedi couple. Or not. It is a major issue with broad relevance for our financial responsibility, both on a personal level and even in the public and political senses.

 

Can We Envisage Responsible Fiscal Conduct?

The expense of buying an apartment is not just the elephant in the room. It is the fundamental cause of the unsound financial practices described by so many who discuss the subject. So long as the average Charedi family plans to buy an apartment (or, usually, one-half or one-third of an apartment) around the time of their child’s marriage, there is simply no possibility of demanding reasonable fiscal conduct. This is true for two reasons.

First, the cost of a wedding is small change compared to the cost of an apartment. When a person shops at the grocery store, he compares products and considers whether to get cream cheese or add half a shekel for cottage cheese. But when he needs to pay for the lion’s share of an apartment worth over a million shekels (try finding one for less), he takes much less account of “minor expenses” that add up to tens of thousands. This is a law of nature instilled in our souls: something small placed next to something large loses its perceived value. When most of the conversation in advance of closing a Shidduch revolves around the purchase of real estate, high wedding expenses receive scant to no attention. The most conclusive proof of this is conversations with the Shadchan concerning a Shidduch proposal—again, I’m referring to the Israeli Shidduch scene—deal almost exclusively with the subject of the apartment.

So long as the average Charedi family plans to buy an apartment around the time of their child’s marriage, there is simply no possibility of demanding reasonable fiscal conduct

In addition to this, when the social norm causes a person to spend just slightly above his means, one can expect him to behave logically and responsibly. He will calculate how much he earns and how much he needs to supplement in order to finance the additional expenses in question. However, when the accepted norm is that everyone spends far, far beyond their means (after all, who has a few million shekels spare to marry off all their children), then the demand for reasonable financial management becomes ridiculous. It makes no sense to buy an apartment for a child. Thus, if there is already no chance of normal fiscal conduct during the process of a child’s marriage, how can we discourage the development of financially unsound norms around the event itself?

For these reasons, there was never a chance that the Covid-19 pandemic would bring about the desired change in wedding expenses; today, experience demonstrates this simple truth. As mentioned, any initiative to reduce wedding expenses is welcome, but while there is no fundamental change in the norm regarding buying apartments, there will be no significant change in the fiscal management of the joyous event. Though not my main issue in this piece, it is worth mentioning that many who complain about the financial management of Charedi society as a whole fail to make the connection between public and private fiscal behavior. If we don’t get our bedroom in order, it’s hardly likely that the public square will be well-managed. Economics, like so much else, begins at home.

 

We Shall Not be Moved

For several years now, there has been an undercurrent of feeling that common behavior concerning children’s marriages is “abnormal,” to put it mildly. There is also a general sense that there is not much to be done about it. I have been dealing with this issue for many years, and every time I present the economic infeasibility of our existing conduct, the typical response is: “We agree with you, of course, but there is nothing we can do.” Or, in a similar vein: “This is the situation, these are the community norms, and you and I will not be able to change it.”

Those parents who complain today about the absurdity and impossibility of the situation might have been some thirty years old back then. Has anything fundamentally changed?

These kinds of responses reflect an approach whereby change can only come through intervention from above. They may even pin the blame on Rashei Yeshivah who encourage their students to demand apartments—which is far from a false accusation. However, it is worth noting that over twenty years ago (in Adar 5750), the great Torah luminaries in Israel published a joint letter declaring that the current reality that requires parents to purchase an apartment for their children “involves severe prohibitions” and even advised the correct way to marry off children. Those parents who complain today about the absurdity and impossibility of the situation might have been some thirty years old back then. Has anything fundamentally changed?

I keep this letter framed for all those who await the day when “the rabbis will wake up” to come to save us from ourselves. Everyone tells me that “public change is needed.” But the public is you and me. Rashei Yeshivah do not force parents to buy an apartment for their children. They, just like the parents themselves, are also waiting for the norm to change. But so long as it doesn’t, every groom will say to himself with some justification, “Why should I be the one to lose out?”

The truth is that change depends on us. If you and I refuse to resign ourselves to this absurd reality, there is a chance that something will change. But if we continue to wait for some higher authority to fix it, we are inevitably doomed to continue suffering from cultural standards that impoverish us all.

 

The Private is the Political

An entire community cannot clamor for change if the people it comprises are not prepared to be the ones to start it. Public change occurs when individuals stand up and make a change at the personal level. “The private,” as second-wave feminists taught, “is the political.”

Oftentimes, public discussion actually reduces the possibility that something will change. Now and then, we hear of a “public outcry” about the financial difficulty of buying apartments. However, underpinning the “public debate” is the assumption that some dramatic systemic change needs to occur and that individuals are too weak to make changes without public help. This approach will get us nowhere. What legitimacy are people waiting for after a letter from all of Israel’s Gedolim was issued over twenty years ago? What do we expect? State coercion? A legal prohibition outlawing financial madness? Should we be fined for buying apartments for our children?

If we don’t want to be enslaved for the rest of our lives to paying debts of millions of shekels for buying apartments, then we have only one option: to be the Nachshon who jumps into the sea and says he’s unprepared to follow this unreasonable social standard

If we don’t want to be enslaved for the rest of our lives to paying debts of millions of shekels for buying apartments, then we have only one option: to be the Nachshon who jumps into the sea and says he’s unprepared to follow this unreasonable social standard. When the Shadchan calls to offer a Shidduch for one’s daughter and asks (first question), “How much can you give?” the answer should ring back: “I’m not ready to commit to giving what I don’t have. And if the other party decides he’s not interested, then it’s not for him.” Simple as that.

After all, it is up to us—those complaining about the unreasonable community standard—to be the ones who stop its manic dance. We must get ourselves and our families out of the financial madness involved in marrying off our children without looking around us and waiting for public change. As a result, we will set a positive example for others of how it’s actually possible to be deeply content with like-minded in-laws at a pure Jewish wedding. This will benefit us in two ways: we will keep our sanity, but we will also begin to change the public standards we all wish would disappear.

We must get ourselves and our families out of the financial madness involved in marrying off our children without looking around us and waiting for public change

This is how change begins. Public reform starts from brave private decisions.

 

Going Against the Flow

On paper, this may seem an easy step. After all, who would be crazy enough to commit to spending half a million shekels that he doesn’t have just because of social pressure? In reality, however, social pressure is a much stronger force than we like to admit. People will humiliate themselves because of it, make their lives miserable, and collect charity—something we see all the time—while the highest priority remains not deviating from what society expects from them.

Here’s an example to illustrate. A father hears of an excellent Shidduch proposal for his daughter: an accomplished young man, a quality family, and exactly the kind of person he dreamed of for his dear daughter. Now comes the question: how much do you give? Without the Shadchan having to say it explicitly, he already knows: they’re asking for 500,000 ILS at the very least, not including (of course) wedding expenses. This is the norm (for some yeshivas, the starting sum is far higher). The dilemma is far from simple: if he undertakes to give 500,000 ILS, the Shidduch will proceed. If not, it won’t.

Our friend thus thinks to himself: “Will I will be the one to change the world? If I agree, I will get to see my daughter under the Chuppah, and she will get a compatible husband just as she desires; if I refuse, my daughter will remain single until her hair turns gray. Not only do I think so, but my wife thinks so, the person on the other end of the phone thinks so (he’s quite sure of it), and so does the next-door neighbor and that guy standing beside him. That’s what everyone does. Yes, it’s true; I have no idea where to get the money from. But neither does anybody else, yet they manage, somehow. If they can do it, then why can’t I?” With such thoughts in mind, he falls into debt without having a clue about how to pay it back.

[T]he father will have to summon all his strength and, above all, his pure and complete faith so as not to give in to threats, not surrender under pressure, and not fall for the notion that he is “second-class” and his daughter worth less because he is unprepared to supply the required dowry

Saying “no” to the Shadchan after he raises the perfect proposal is certainly difficult. And it’s not just once. Every day and week brings new calls and new suggestions of boys “not asking for so much.” During this entire period, the father will have to summon all his strength and, above all, his pure and complete faith so as not to give in to threats, not surrender under pressure, and not fall for the notion that he is “second-class” and his daughter worth less because he is unprepared to supply the required dowry. He needs to believe that his persistence only makes him better and convey optimism to himself, his wife, and the person on the phone trying to turn him into a pauper. He should stand up and state without a trace of guilt: “My daughter will marry a boy her age who suits her better than anyone else, and I won’t go bankrupt.

It isn’t easy. But it’s also not that hard. In fact, I would hazard that it is far easier to find a suitable Shidduch for one’s daughter without committing to buying an apartment than paying the debts for its purchase. The more positive one’s attitude towards the subject and the more one believes that there is someone out there waiting for his daughter, the more likely a person can become a pioneer of change while demonstrating courage and determination in refusing to surrender to social pressure.

To encourage people facing this stage in life, I usually tell them to think about how much they would be willing to invest to earn half a million shekels. A child’s wedding is an opportunity for a net gain of half a million in one moment! This profit does not require many years of work, but only the courage to be different, to stand up against the current. If a Shadchan or a prospective father-in-law tries to extract a commitment to the tune of hundreds of thousands of shekels, prepare some written lines that will remind you of what is actually required to earn such an amount. To those whose conscience does not let them rest for allegedly neglecting their children, I whisper to them: this way, you’ll love your children and future sons-in-law much more. And they will love you, too.

 

Education for Responsibility and Gratitude

A respected Torah scholar told me about a meeting between two empty-nester parents, one a Litvish Charedi Jew and the other belonging to National-Religious society. The two exchanged impressions of the degree of appreciation that married children express towards the gifts their parents give their grandchildren. As it turns out, it seems that children’s appreciation of gifts is inversely proportional to their degree of dependence on their parents. The National-Religious grandfather, who didn’t buy an apartment for his children (the thought never crossed his mind) and didn’t even contribute towards paying the rent, said that every gift fills their children and grandchildren with gratitude and appreciation (what is more, he can buy respectable gifts for his children since he isn’t up to his neck in debt accrued from the weddings). The Charedi grandfather, on the other hand, was incapable of buying significant gifts because he was still struggling to cover the wedding debts. Moreover, he felt that even gifts he did manage to purchase were not received appreciatively, and even with a trace of disappointment at their modest nature.

Of course, I readily concede that this is a very stereotypical description of the two sides, and many Charedi children greatly value the investment of their parents and are deeply grateful to them. However, the story still sheds some light on a profound phenomenon: the more dependent a person is, the less likely he is to feel gratitude. A person only recognizes and appreciates favors if he does not feel that “I deserve it.” Only when he recognizes his duty to take care of his own livelihood does he show appreciation to those who help him. Small children do not appreciate favors because they take it for granted that others will support them. The personality trait of gratitude is learned by mature people, together with the principle of independence.

A parent who acquiesces with his adult children’s position of parental indebtedness, even for a single dollar, is damaging their education and weakening his relationship with them

This is a crucial lesson that should be practiced and learned throughout life. Even if we can help our adult children, it is imperative to educate them that it is not our duty to do so. When we introduce the word “obligation” in the context of contributing towards a child’s marriage, we miss a rare moment in educating our children concerning gratitude and responsibility. Children who start their independent lives with a sense of entitlement, believing that parents “owe” them an apartment, could remain crippled for years, unable to rise to the challenge of taking responsibility (see Bava Metzia 12b). A parent who acquiesces with his adult children’s position of parental indebtedness, even for a single dollar, is damaging their education in these basic virtues.

When a young couple begins their lives by acknowledging the multiple gifts they received, they will also care for themselves, both financially and spiritually. As such, if parents have the ability, and they do give their child a gift of hundreds of thousands of shekels, he will thank them for the rest of his life and behave towards them accordingly. When children look askance at the gifts their parents give them, despite their having provided them with an apartment, a wedding, and long-term rent payments, it reflects a deep moral distortion. As long as we remain with the norm of parents buying apartments for their children, as though this can be taken for granted, our children will love us less. They will grow up without knowing how to be grateful, Heaven forbid.

Moreover, strong families will make a strong society. The more we educate our children about personal gratitude and responsibility, the more such values will penetrate our public and political spaces. It is no secret that Charedi society in Israel has a dependency issue, which requires urgent resolution for the sake of Israel’s social fabric no less than for Israel’s economy. When we educate our children concerning independence and responsibility, we educate them to be better citizens, paving the way for a healthier and more balanced social situation. This political reform,  as is often the case, is a factor of private change.

 

Money Doesn’t Grow on Trees

I will conclude with another point that deserves consideration. Ultimately, the norm of buying apartments locks the unhealthy economic conduct of our community in a vicious cycle. We all know that this norm is patently untenable. How does it continue to exist notwithstanding this obvious fact? The answer to this is that, as noted, when a person gets used to receiving, he loses the ability to conduct himself with financial responsibility (whether as a personal norm or in our communal affairs). Due to this, taking on impossible obligations comes almost naturally.

For those who come to me for advice, I always note that if they want to reduce their expenses, they shouldn’t think about expenditure alone—what they want to spend money on and what they are willing to give up. Instead, they should consider their income

It is human nature to pay attention to financial expenses paid from hard-earned income. The harder a person works to make money for himself and his family, the harder it is for him to spend it on trivial things. For those who come to me for advice, I always note that if they want to reduce their expenses, they shouldn’t think about expenditure alone—what they want to spend money on and what they are willing to give up. Instead, they should consider their income, how they can generate higher income and how much they are prepared to work for it. Through this prism, they must ask themselves what they want to spend it on. From experience, this approach is much more beneficial for reducing expenses. The more valuable a person’s money is to him, the more he pays attention to what he spends it on.

For this reason, so long as the “culture of commitments” and the sentiment of entitlement continue to reign supreme, I find it difficult to believe that anything significant will change regarding excessive financial outlays. When our culture is based on loans, credit, and easy money that we did not work for, it is difficult to talk about saving money and reducing expenses. When our children don’t pay for their own apartment, they will not realize that money doesn’t grow on trees and isn’t printed in gemachim. Therefore, when they get to marry off their children, they will behave foolishly, just like us. Only when we get used to a life of responsibility and gratitude, when our livelihood will be based on money that comes from honest work and not from credit and gifts will we see a change in wedding expenses and practices.

As the first step in this practice, we must eliminate the term “obligation” concerning parents from our lexicon. If we succeed in this first baby step, we might be able to work through similar processes in other aspects of our lives. This work is essential for our private prosperity as well as for our public well-being. “In a place where there are no men, strive to be a man” (Pirkei Avos 2:5).

10 thoughts on “Still Buying Apartments? Private and Public Change Begin at Home

  • “What to do” is not as useful as “how to do.” The only “how to” buried between the lines is for many. many more people to work. Be’zaiyut a’pecha tochal lechem, is the norm; full-time learning is a modern innovation at the root of the issue. As long as this cannot be openly addressed, do not expect much change.

  • And what’s wrong with renting?

    • Apart from dealing with rapacious landlords and short-term contracts, renters do not build equity and therefore have none to pass on. Israeli real-estate prices are thrusting non-religious society, too, into this trap. Pivoting to the U.S., advocates for disadvantaged population groups there note that these groups do not build up intergenerational wealth and leave their children behind on that account. So it’s everyone’s problem.

  • Even if we can help our adult children, it is imperative to educate them that it is not our duty to do so.
    ==============
    Or as I was taught, “Nothing is Coming to you” – From your parents or from HKBH
    KT

  • You realize that if 1000 fathers went down this path, a good number of their daughters will not get a good match, when otherwise they would have, right?

    Why have bitachon that the wonderful groom will materialize, but not the money? Especially when the money seems to materialize, while the grooms don’t without money?

    Statistically those who step out will lose out.
    This is why coordination is necessary. Whether that’s the rabbanim making an official takana that no family should give more than a version amount, gedolim publicly having their children stay live without an apartment, government intervention, or general financial collapse.

    The other option is to work as a community to build apartments more cheaply

  • That is extremely true.
    That is also extremely untenable.

    Young couples must have an apartment, because renting is impossible.

    The parents lived pas bemelach.
    How could the children live in the same conditions, with rent to pay on top of that?!

    The fact is, these young couples can barely support themselves, let alone rent, without resorting to schnor.
    Their “rich” grandfathers won’t be helping forever.

    So it’s either the parents are indebted, or the children are.
    Since the children cannot support themselves, by design and by societal choice, this is the price to pay.

    Venimtza she over time, since all of this is untenable, the elite would come to be the women working high tech jobs, only ones who are able to support rent.
    Just like the secular world.

    An illui for a Python developer.
    Don’t even call for our talmid chochom if she doesn’t do NodeJS.
    ויאמר ד’ לחוה בזיעת אפך תאכלי לחם

  • im assuming the alternative the article refers to is renting. im a young married man working in hightech who just made aliya. i dont know how im going to afford to own an apartment. you might think real-estate pricing is a different topic, its not. it is usually more financially stable to own a home. i would consider chipping in for daughters home when she gets married iyh for the reason i stated. even though im in rbsג im not heredi i guess

  • The Yeshivas and the Kollelim are at fault. To not provide a parralel education, which includes a means for one to have a half decent parnassah is truly a tragedy, which only serves, in many cases to perpetuate poverty. If I’m not mistaken to impede one to provide for wife and family is contrary to torah values. The present system is crashing right in front of our eyes and it behooves an immediate recognition of such by the “yeshiva world” and a corresponding timely emergency action to set right this “avlah”

  • https://chananyaweissman.com/article.php?id=21

    A Real Solution for Extravagant Simchas
    Chananya Weissman
    January 19, 2005, The Jewish Press

    Several years ago I was heading to a shul in Israel for Mincha when I encountered a most unusual sight. On the footsteps outside the shul a small crowd had gathered, and, of all things, a wedding was being conducted! To my even greater surprise, it quickly became apparent that there was not one, but two weddings taking place. A double shotgun wedding on the steps outside shul before Mincha!

    The mesader kiddushin was a Rabbi from a nearby moshav. The witnesses to the marriage were chosen at the scene. The guests were local residents on their way to shul, who also functioned as an impromptu band. The wedding “meal” consisted of bamba, pretzels, candy, and soda in the lobby of the shul. The whole thing took about 15 minutes, for both weddings. True story.

    On the one hand, it would have been nice if the couples could have enjoyed a celebration more befitting the greatness of the occasion. But I can’t help but wonder if these couples — probably new olim with little to their names — should really be feeling sorry for us instead. I doubt many people remember anymore, let alone care, that this double wedding was so simple. The new couples surely did not need a lavish affair for the moment to be special, and were able to begin life together free of an unnecessary financial anchor.

    Don’t get me wrong; I’m not suggesting that semachos be conducted in this fashion as a lechatchila, only that a minimal-yet-tasteful affair is preferable to an opulent one. Few would argue otherwise (the argument that “those who can afford to go overboard are entitled to” rings hollow with me), yet many families continue to outspend their means for a fleeting indulgence. They go deep into debt and burden themselves with multiple jobs for a few hours of empty social adequacy. How many millions of dollars does our community flush into opulent semachos every year? How many thousands of additional hours of hard work are performed to pay off the mountain of debt? How much family tension and private suffering is endured just “to keep up” with a society gone mad?

    The attempted “takana” of a group of Rabbis several years back merely underscores the inability and/or unwillingness of community leaders to tackle serious communal problems head-on, and lends support to my belief that contemporary Jewish practice is determined from the bottom up. Some may deem this position disrespectful, but the facts speak for themselves.

    Since the average Jew will continue to commit financial suicide as long as society demands it (for reasons best understood by experts in human psychology and mussar), we must change the demands of society. In the absence of true religious fidelity, there is only one way that can be accomplished. I know the solution will work if properly implemented, because it has already been proven.

    In Mishnaic times it became the social norm for funerals to be elaborate affairs. The dead would be buried in expensive garments, and professional lamenters would often be hired to wail in the streets. The stress on the family to keep up and the difficulty to pay for the funeral exceeded the pain of the death itself. It reached a point where people abandoned their dead and fled!

    The spiral of madness ended when Rabbi Gamliel, the nasi of the generation, ordered that he be buried in simple linen shrouds, without the opulence that was now expected for even an ordinary person. The entire nation adopted this as a custom – after all, who would dare take more honor for himself than Rabbi Gamliel? – and the custom remains to this very day, thousands of years later (see Kesubos 8B).

    This situation is exactly analogous to what we face today, and a similar solution should prove effective. We don’t need elaborate takanos and plaintive calls for moderation. We need role models to step forward and set a new standard. Let several wealthy and highly respected individuals publicly announce that their upcoming semachos will be plain and understated in every way. Further, instead of wasting many thousands of dollars on a few hours of pomp, they will donate the equivalent amount to a variety of worthy charities. This will allay speculation that they are covering for a financial downturn or a sudden bout of parsimony.

    This mesiras nefesh should receive widespread publicity and fanfare. (Hopefully the ba’alei simcha will not be motivated by the well-deserved honor they stand to receive, but this is a trivial concern.) This break from social expectations will quickly become the talk of the town, and the average Jew will be liberated from the chains of social expectations. After all, if prominent and wealthy Jews are making simple affairs, an ordinary person would be crazy to take out a second mortgage to pay for something more elaborate. If anything, his opulence would come across as silly and misplaced.

    Consider the benefits to our community: The pressure to keep up would fade; financial and emotional burdens would be lifted from thousands of families worldwide; millions of dollars in perpetuity would be available for more important purposes; charitable causes would benefit from a new trend; our semachos will be more spiritual and authentic, beautiful in their modesty.

    If these role models were to receive no more reward than the knowledge that they benefited the community through their example, that should suffice. But I submit that those who devote their over-the-top simcha money to charitable causes instead of personal indulgence will receive tremendous blessings as a result. How wonderful it is for a new couple to begin their life together with such a powerful demonstration of mesiras nefesh! Surely it will only lead to good things for them and their families. (It is quite common for families to go from simcha to aveilus; whether there is a direct connection or not, surely this would stand as a zechus for the entire family.)

    Rabbi Gamliel receives merit that far outlasts the fleeting honor he sacrificed. A similar merit is available today. I hereby pledge to set an example in my own small way by keeping my semachos extremely modest and making significant donations to charity in honor of the occasion. Let other, more wealthy and prominent individuals step forward and do the same.

    • I tried one small measure, as a self-test: When invited to a wedding not long ago, I made it clear that I’m coming in order to please the bride and groom (who were not wealthy) and not the other way around — meaning that they don’t have to feed me a gourmet dinner! When I showed up, I admit that I found it hard. A fortiori if I refused to put up at least a down payment on four apartments.

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